Warning: Full of run on sentences! Just call me Gary Paulsen Jr.

Yesterday I was going really strong. However, somewhere around the afternoon I had to begin fighting off the panic urges to eat, to eat anything and to eat it right away. So, on the way to an elementary school to pick up a few clients I stopped at walmart and picked up some celary and carrot sticks along with some 100 calorie snacks. I will not be getting the 100 calorie snacks again. Fighting off the urge to eat all six bags was worse than fighting my original urge to eat. I hate that.

Last night, when I got home things didn't get better. Adam proceeded to eat ice cream in front of me while I was cooking his dinner that I couldn't eat then told me he wasn't hungry. You don't tell a fat wife that you are eating ice cream in front of who happens to be on a diet and is cooking your delicious dinner that you are not hungry. I'm dramatic when it comes to me not being able to have food so needless to say we slept seperately and stopped talking. We made up this morning though so I feel a little better about that. Did I mention I have PMS? Because if that could possibly help explain my extreme behavior in this case I'll use it.

I did go to the gym last night. I seem to have gathered from all the weight loss shows that working out to intensity is better than just going with the flow. So, I gave that a whirl. My body was screaming and cussing at me and I stopped in enough time to not puke in front of the gym. Somehow, I think my gym would frown upon that.

I have no time to work out today but am making a commitment to work out at home tonight. Adam was actually shocked that I worked out at the gym. I was as well. It's not everyday that I go and do something as bold as following through on what I say I'm going to do!

I ate a healthy breakfast and have a healthy lunch packed. I guess I'm going to not eat after seven pm so that I won't be tempted to eat everything in site so I packed a big lunch to hold me through until tomorrow's breakfast. Work will pick up after lunch and there will be no time to squeeze dinner in before seven.

Why is that the first month of being healthy is so hard? I can't wait until I hit my stride.

Don't Like Riding......... On The Passenger Side.

I forgot to post and say that I wouldn't be posting for awhile. My family and I left Christmas afternoon and made the twelve hour drive to Georgia. We just got back Sunday evening.

The trip was wonderful and I enjoyed spending so much time with my in laws. Abi really enjoyed getting to know her Georgia family better. Our trip was jam packed so there wasn't time to blog. If there was, I was to exhausted at the end of the day to do it. My husband kept us busy!

This morning I woke up asking myself if I really had to be healthy today. I gave myself a pep talk ooozing with positive talk and went on to being healthy. Because I'm getting back on the train again I know I need to build some discipline. There is a fine line between pushing myself hard enough and pushing myself to much. I'm tryin to figure out where that line is.

I have a 12 hour work day so I planned ahead this morning. I packed Adam's lunch and mine this morning. I have to tell you I'm not a big fan of packing lunches. I see it as a huge inconvience and I don't know why. I've made it a goal to get rid of that nasty thinking this year and do what's best for my family. There have been many times that I've let Adam leave for strenous twelve hour night shifts with no food. So, he would buy expensive crap at the gas station or out of the machines at work. Not only will me packing his lunch be better for him but it will save us money. So, this morning I did and I also included a sweet note letting him know how much I appreciate how hard he works for our family along with a Bible verse.

I packed my lunch and dinner since I will be at work until at least eight tonight. I ate healthy cereal at home with skim milk this morning and actually followed the serving size. My stomach is shocked and my brain is trying to convince me I need more. For lunch and dinner I packed tuna kits. I packed two low calorie yogurts for snacks. My goal is to get each meal around 200 calories.

I did pack a few diet rites. The old disciplined me would have never but I know I need to ease into it and chuck out the bad things as I get stronger. This week I'm giving up caffeine and I don't want to push giving up everything bad right away.

Suprise!I also packed gym clothes. I going to tell myself that I'm going all day and then I'm going to make myself go. I know it will be awful and I will feel like I'm dying but I also know that I'm more succesful when I exercise. The more I exercise the more energy I have. So let's see if I can give up caffeine and add exercise.

I made some new years resolutions that I will have share at another point but I'm excited about them. One of them was to be more adventerous and get creative. My head is bursting with crafty ideas that I hardly follow through on so hopefully soon I can share some finished products!

Thanks to everyone who is still reading! I'm off to catch up on your blogs and get inspired!

Second steps have been forgotten can you tell me how they go? Set yourself, situate, like a fool try again.

Awhile ago I received an email from a reader checking in with me since I hadn't been blogging. I replied by saying that since everything had happened I had reverted back to old habits and although I was working on being healthy again I thought the journey should be more private. I got an email back that really made me think about blogging again.

Truthfully, I had thought about it before that. I had even thought about starting a whole new blog so I wouldn't embarrass myself by starting with this one and admitting that I had failed. But, in the end, that didn't seem right. So here I am, same blog, same focus, but so very different.

The truth is, I don't know who that person was that wrote about all the successes before. She sure did get confident. She had it right for a long time. When the bottom fell out though, she proved that it's never as easy as you think.

Some of us can go through so much. What's a lot for me may seem like nothing compared to what you've been through. What's nothing to me may seem like a lot to you. Some of us start the course and stay on path until we reach the finish line. I thought that was the only way to do it. Any slips or mishaps were surely a sign of weakness.

I thought about using this blog but erasing all my past posts then decided against it. So, here it is, here I am and here I go again.

No more doctors!!!!!!

Today, I went back to the gyno for what seems like the 20th time in two months. The good news is, I don't have to see him until next year! I made sure to walk out with a birth control prescription because I know that my weight loss needs to be more important right now. That's hard to admit.

My mammogram has been rescheduled. The gyno made a frowny face when the lumps were still there but I'm sure that on December 1st I will find out that I have nothing to worry about. Truthfully, I'm not worried right now. I figure at this point I've gotten through the toughest of things and I'm confident that after the mammogram, I will not being seeing any doctors offices for a very long time. Plus, I'm way to young and my body has had enough. There is now way it will allow something else at this point.

Okay, here is the bad news. I'm just going to be honest here. My weight at the doctors office is up 14 pounds. I'm not going to make any excuses. I didn't use pregnancy as an excuse to overeat but I will fully admit that after a second loss I threw in the towel and retreated back to every old habit.

I don't like it. I want to go back four or five weeks and yell at myself but it's done. I haven't weighed myself in weeks because I was scared to and because I didn't want to see the numbers. Today, I didn't leave the doctors office feeling like crap about it. I left knowing that the only choice was to continue. I had made the choice this weekend but feel more confirmed and motivated.

So that's it. That's me admitting my failure. I will say that with every time I have ever tried to lose weight before if I fell of the wagon I would never get back on. In fact, not only did I never get back on but I gained more weight. So maybe progress can be measured in me continuing instead of quitting.

I can't stop yawning.......

I can't figure out if this week is going by fast or slow. Yesterday morning I came to work at 6am to catch up on paperwork and got off around 6:30 when I dropped my last two clients off at home after group. I work to many hours, more than I get paid for. Some days I'm okay with it and some days I'm resentful. I expected it for the next few weeks after being gone for almost two weeks.

I don't know if I mentioned that Adam and I got a joint checking and savings account this week. It's a huge step for me because I swore I would never do it again after my first marriage. However, my need to control every single cent outweighed my fear of someone taking advantage of my money. And heck, let's face it. Adam brings in way more money than I'll ever dream of bringing in....even if I were to finish school. He's just not that good at managing it.

So, we sat down and had the biggest frugal discussion. I laid down some laws. We are going to stick to them and when our savings account is fat he will thank me. Since my last marriage I've had no choice but to live paycheck to paycheck. It was just me and Abi and taking care of a kid by yourself on what I make is laughable. Her dad is slowly starting to do some things but the reality is that I've taken full financial responsibility for this child we created together.

Now that Adam and I are married it's a much bigger income but we don't have much in savings and I hate it. So, I decided it was time to make it happen. I dusted off my old Quicken software awhile ago and made it work with Adam's computer. Let me tell you, I know nothing about computers or programs. Trying to create a spreadsheet for anything makes me cry every time so I just don't do it anymore. But Quicken.....oh how I love it. I keep it simple....it can do much fancier things than I make it do but it works for me. I have a newer version on my computer but I have to order a new power cord or plug in or something for it so I'll just use the older version on Adams.

I told Adam that the time to be Frugal is when you have extra money. Adam works in a factory and I work in the mental health field....we are never going to be rich or anywhere near well off but I want us to be extra smart with what we do have.

So, eating is going well but I haven't added exercise in yet. I always have an excuse I suppose so I won't tell you how I just need to get through this work week. Please? I'm excited about this weekend because my friend Apryl and I are getting together for some Frugal merriment and then attending Church service together Sunday evening.

I have a new winter addiction....it's called a smidgen of sugar free cappuccino mixed with a lot of coffee. It makes my heart sing. I didn't have any this morning which is why this post is all over the place.

I still can't get the hang of eating breakfast...my stomach always feels to funny to eat in the morning but I've got yogurt in the fridge for lunch. Abi had a breakdown this morning before getting on the bus. Her bunny eraser broke. I don't think she was actually crying over the eraser. She comes home from her dads house on Wednesdays and it always takes her a few days to get back to good.

I only have one client today, then paperwork, then clinical staffing! I need to drink more water. A lot more water. A ton more water. I'm on the run all the time and am trying to figure out how to solve this. I think I need to buy a really big water bottle or two. I don't like disposable ones...it feels irresponsible even though I refill them.

By the way, a lot is two words. It really is. My sixth grade English teacher made us repeat "A lot is two words" over and over because it drove her crazy when people used "alot" instead of "a lot". I suppose that she can proud that at least one of her students remembered that.

I survived, that's good enough for now.

Let me be the first to point out that I'm not a good example of strength and sanity. When things got bad I went in to survival mode and did what I always do, I used eating to cope. It's a constant in my life and one I thought I had gotten past. I can't figure out if I'm not as strong as I think I am or stronger than I thought.

I feel like there are all these obstacles that I have to get through. When they pop up I always think that there is no way I will survive them. And by survive I mean come out on the other side okay. First there was the flood that literally washed away everything I had worked to build. Then, because that wasn't enough there was the first husband that decided I wasn't enough and he needed an affair. I didn't feel strong enough to fight for my house and so during the divorce I gave it up. A few years later things are going better and then....two miscarriages later and here we are.

I should have a serious lack of faith in God but I don't. In fact, I went from being a firm non believer at the start of of all my trials to a firm believer. Hello Church, here I come. I should be bitter or mad or even furious at this point, but I'm not.

I think all of this means that I don't know as much about myself as I need to. I can survive, it's true, but on the very worst of terms. My surviving usually means I beat the crap out of my body.

In the past week I got a few emails and a card from friends that have really been such a motivation. If I were to sum them all up, they would all sound like this: I'm sorry but don't stop working towards your goal. They are right and you can only play the "why me?" song for so long before you stop becoming a shabby survivor and start becoming a victim.

Victims are the worst. I've worn that shirt before it's very ugly. Victims just expect the worst and when it happens they get to blame everything and everyone and then they don't have to take responsibility for anything. I was the biggest victim in my first marriage. It wasn't pretty.

Victims never feel lucky. I know I'm not a victim now because I feel incredibly lucky to have such a supportive husband and friends. I also feel lucky to go through everything I have gone through. Every trial presents us with an opportunity to learn. If we play the victim we forfeit the right to learn from the disaster or the trial. If you play the survivor, no matter how shabby you are at it you are open to learning from it.

So here I am, back on track for the past couple of days. I'm not feeling like an all star yet but I'll get there. My goal may not come as fast as I had wanted it to previously and that's okay as well. I survived, that's good enough for now.

Tuesdays are better than Mondays but not as good as Fridays!

I updated my status on facebook this morning to describe how I interact with my dogs, all four of them. I talk to them a lot and the talks usually kind of go like this:

Me: You need to make better choices Bubba! I mean it!
Bubba: He doesn't say anything. He just looks at me with those basset hound eyes and ears so I give him a few pats on the head and he knows it doesn't matter what I say, he wins in the end.

Me: Daisy! Daisy! Stop acting crazy! I mean it!
Daisy: This one doesn't talk either. She's a maltese so just barks at me. She's mostly annoying at all times and reminds me constantly of an attention seeking toddler.

Me: Richie! Stop being an ass!
Richie: He doesn't respond. He's a poodle so he thinks his shit doesn't stink. He's also old and senile so I usually forgive him.

Me: Buddy, you are the best dog ever!
Buddy: He just butts up against me and lavishes in the attention. He knows he's the best but likes to be reminded.

For the record, I didn't name any of these guys. Buddy, Daisy and Bubba all needed homes and had their names already. They respond to them so I wasn't going to change them. If I had the choice I would have named them something that I would want to name a kid but wouldn't because they would get made fun of in school. Buddy would have been Orwell, Daisy might have been an Astrid and I don't know about Bubba. Oh man, I love them more than I should and I pay for it dearly by spending a couple hundred dollars on a vacuum to keep up with them and then vacuuming at least every other day.
Adam does the baths and grooming. Except for Buddy, the old black lab. He was skittish when we first got him and he took awhile to warm up. He has lavished in love and attention but anything beyond brushing is not okay with him. Many points Adam and I had to double team to bathe him because he had to be treated for fleas. Buddy actually came with the house we rent. His owner had went to a nursing home then died and he was left alone.

Okay, I don't know why I felt a need to blog about them. They have just been so darn cute this morning.

Up at four a.m to complete chores which I will now finish completing. Flylady would be impressed, I'm to tired to be impressed.

By the way, Dr. Fatty wrote about exercising last night and it really got me thinking. She may have something there. When I thought about my biggest weight losses they came when I was consistently exercising. I also had a ton more energy at the time because of the exercise.